Say Yes to Less Stress

How do you feel about the title of this post?

I am willing to bet that your definition of the word ‘older’ is wholly determined by how old you are at the moment. For my girls in their 20s, 35 might be old – for those in their 30s and 40s it is definitely going to be 50 and over. 

Thing is, if you have clicked on this post thinking it’s for you, I’m much more interested in your mindset than your definitions.

As the late great Iris Apfel, and any number of incredibly put together older women know, style has no age and, if you AREN’T outraged by the ‘help!’ at the beginning of the post title: you should be! As if, by mere virtue of the number of your birth certificate you are immediately in BIG trouble when it comes to finding a wedding dress and confidently occupying the position of ‘bride.’

Um, NOPE.

What YOU need is exactly what every other bride needs: a great consultant committed to finding you a kick-ass dress that makes you feel as fabulous as you actually are. 

Having said all of that, I also totally acknowledge that our culture has been really, really good at relegating older women to the sidelines – in all sorts of ways. Where her aesthetic is concerned? Well, the old ‘mutton dressed as lamb’ phrase that a lot of us heard when we were younger was usually uttered derisively under the breath and directed at a woman who refused to accept that she should, by virtue of a particular birthday, wear elasticised pants and sensible shoes or meekly surrender her still-spicy sexuality to society’s constricted ideas of what she ‘should’ look like. (By the way, nothing against elasticised pants OR sensible shoes: I have several of each on high rotation in my wardrobe).

Regardless of what age you actually are, if you do consider yourself an ‘older’ bride is it any wonder you might be feeling a bit out-of-place, overwhelmed, weirded out? After all, the image of the young, apple-cheeked bride in virginal white has been a pervasive one since Queen Victoria set the fashion for wearing white when she married Prince Albert in 1840.

People! 1840?!

The totally awesome news is that so-called ‘older women’ have reclaimed style and the freedom to wear what pleases them over the past few years. Some of those I get daily inspiration from in the Insta-world are people like Heidi Clements (LOVE her) and Gina Faucetta but the Cate Blanchett’s, Michelle Yeoh’s, Viola Davis’ and Helen Mirren’s of the world are also flipping the bird at too-restrictive notions of what ‘older’ women ‘should’ wear.

I wholly stand by the ‘wear what makes you feel fabulous’ mantra; however, I also know that the process of getting older is not always an easy one, physically or psychologically. In fact, I know from my own experience of a rocky perimenopause that it can be a real bitch. It still seems incredible to me that we have invented Viagra but not a pill half the world’s population potentially needs to manage what can be debilitating symptoms and/or simply make everyday life bearable.

If you’ve read me before you’ll know that I like to give you something practical when it comes to wedding gowns, but if you thought you were going to get a list of ‘appropriate’ silhouettes, necklines and fabrics for the ‘older’ or second-wedding bride I am about to disappoint you.

Because I am here to tell you that where your wedding dress is concerned EVERYTHING is open to you. Yes, everything. Like every other bride, not everything will feel right for you, but you still get to try anything that you think might make you feel like the amazing woman you actually are.

Similarly, the advice (which is coming below) is the same as for every other bride. If you want to make this process a painful, joyless, bewildering one, overthink it by going down the ‘people will be expecting me to wear [fill in the blank]’ because that kind of layered thinking is, frankly, anathema to actually making a confident dress decision. Aside from that, it will send you mad.

So – here it comes: you are going to do this exactly the same way that ANY bride should find her dress and that is:

1. By being willing to try different things and trusting your consultant – dresses look different on your body to what they do on a hanger.
2. By paying attention to how the dress makes YOU feel, not what other people are going to think of you in it.
3. By being true to who you are RIGHT NOW – whether that means choosing a dress that makes you feel grounded and completely you, or playing with the possibility of one that busts you out of old ways of thinking about who you are or what you ‘should’ wear (at your wedding or otherwise).

Reclaim your process, my friend. Leave your fear where it belongs – in the rubbish bin of What Others Think – and give yourself permission to enjoy this. The fact that this isn’t your first rodeo is a strength and a cause for celebration, not a reason to shrink and constrain yourself. This is your moment. Live it fully. Love the bejeezes out of it.

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I’m so interested to hear from you: Do you think your age is – or was – a major factor in your thoughts about your dress? Are you finding you are/were constricted by it or do you feel like it gives you a kind of freedom?