Say Yes to Less Stress

Before you keep reading, can I just say that if you are experiencing the process of finding your Yes Dress NOT hard and it is instead exciting, joyful and empowering, get out of here right now. Leave: you don’t need this. There are other posts that will be helpful, but not this one. This one is for my girls who are mired in any combination of ‘it’s hard’, ‘I don’t want to do it’, ‘this just isn’t for me’ or anything resembling those.

I’d also like to say that if you aren’t excited about finding a dress, don’t worry: I’m excited enough for the both of us, probably ten times over. I really mean that. I see first-hand the joy, sense of connection and self-love that comes from a great dress experience and I really believe to the bottom of my core that you – yes, YOU – deserve that.

But, given that we are amazing women who can do so many things – manage multiple patients on the nightshift, run a marathon, argue legal cases, plough a field, get three kids under five out of the house without blood being spilled, feed 100 diners at the 8pm sitting or whatever amazing things you do day-after-day – we may well ask ourselves:

“what is it about wedding-dress shopping that strikes fear into our hearts and brings us to our knees?“

Now, before your inner voice grabs her trusty stick to start beating you up – ‘she’s right, I’m a grown-assed woman! Why am I finding this so challenging?! – let me also say this: NO KIDDING YOU’RE FINDING IT HARD!

Doesn’t matter what we do or who we are: we’re judged by our looks

Listen, as much as I adore clothes, I truly believe that how you look is the least interesting thing about you. But like it or not, women are constantly and persistently judged on our physical appearance before anything else. How often do you see a little boy praised for how strong he is, how well he can throw a ball or complete a mental task (that is, for what he can do) while a little girl is told ‘how pretty you are in that sweet skirt!’.

Politicians who also happen to be women are also subjected to constant scrutiny about what they look like, rather than what they stand for, believe in or get done. Women actors in Hollywood a few years ago started pushing back against the only question they were ever asked on awards nights red carpets: ‘what are you wearing?’ Men simply don’t face that extra layer of requirement: their worth is immediately accepted and unquestioned, regardless of their weight, fashion sense, age or perceived level of attractiveness.   

We’ve been taught that power lies in pretty

Attention, approval, acceptance: all of these are open and available to those deemed by society as pretty enough. Teenage girls are taught that the ‘better’ they look and the thinner they are the more acceptable they will be and, therefore, the more power they will have. It’s not the right kind of power, of course, but it’s still better than the alternative. Gone unchallenged, it keeps them playing small and their expectations in check and in many ways this suits our society just fine.  

We’re brought up in this world and it’s really difficult to be completely immune to it (I know I’m certainly not), especially when these messages are constantly fed to us through film, TV and social media.

The cultural idea of ‘The Bride’ is an enduring one

While it may feel that the idea of the white dress has been around in Western culture for all of eternity, it’s a little like the invention of Santa Claus: white was only broadly adopted in the mid-19^th century as the accepted colour of wedding dresses when Queen Victoria married Prince Albert in white lace in 1840. While she wasn’t the first royal bride to wear white, hers was the most widely reported and became a symbol of wealth and status. Royal weddings are still, of course, a major influence on how women look when they marry: Princess Diana and Kate Middleton are icons of the white wedding and their dresses are immediately recognisable.

The point is, culture is incredibly pervasive and persuasive and we often – even unconsciously – hold ourselves up to these images of ‘The Bride’ when we think about our own wedding and how we want to (and ‘should’) look.  

So how do we overcome all this to reclaim the process for ourselves?

Almost every post on Say Yes to Less Stress is driving towards this, but here’s three key ways you can start to edge further towards being ready to start (or continue) your process.

1. Be aware
Being aware of what’s circulating around us when we launch ourselves into the process of choosing a dress is half of it (and you’re reading this so you’re already halfway there – yay you!). Because when we are aware of something, it’s much easier to tame it into submission and get some perspective. Broken down, the job is to find a dress you love that lights you up. That’s it. End of story.  

2. Be mindful of who you involve
There’s a part of me that hates to say this, but it’s hard not to overstate the importance of who you invite along with you on your dress journey and who you give decision-making power to. It makes a huge difference. I’ve addressed this elsewhere so I won’t bang on about it any further, but please do think carefully about who you take with you and, even more importantly, think beforehand about who you will allow to influence you in your decision once in your consultation.

3. Tell your inner critic to f***k off
I’ve tried and failed to kill off my inner critic and I’ve now got to the point where I’ve accepted she’s always going to be there. However, I do have a choice in how loud she gets to be. There are a couple of life scenarios in which my mean inner voice is very much present and one of those is when I am in front of a mirror. I’m afraid I cannot claim to have the magic answer to how you can silence her completely, but I do know that by being aware that she’s likely to show up when you’re in your appointment, you’ll have more chance of being successful in telling her to put a sock in it for once and just let you enjoy this process.

You can do this!

Many women find it really, really hard to get themselves into a bridal boutique to look for their dress. Not just hard – terrifyingly hard. But I know the power of a great boutique and a skilled consultant to lessen the terror considerably in a really short period of time. So apply the steps I outline across the blog in terms of where you go, what mindset you take and who you take with you. And get out there and find your Yes Dress!

Because I know you deserve a wonderful experience – just like everyone else.